"Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." ~Brene Brown |
Happy Monday ! I desire is to serve you and build you up, so please don't think I'm going to discuss shame in the typical way. Far too many institutions of faith and religious systems use shame as a tool to gain social and institutional power and to enforce behavior modification. But not here. Not today.
A couple of key things to know about shame: - Shame presupposes a moral law. Shame is the emotional experience of finding ourself outside the "oughts" of our systems. All people employ a moral standard (though they differ). These standards are not what we do, but what we "ought" to do. Regardless of the system we employ, we always fall short of it. This is proof that morality is not a creation of man, but something higher up or further back that is pressing in on our reality.
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Shame is universal and uncomfortable-even painful. We all hate to feel bad about ourselves, but we all do at some point. It may come from inside us (us shaming ourselves) or it may come from outside us (people or institutions shaming us). The question is what do we do about?
There are 2 common responses to shame? - Ignore it. This is essentially redefining our moral compass. This can be good if we are feeling shame unnecessarily, but disastrous if we are violating what we are convinced in our own heart is right.
- Religion it. This is when we try and "make up" for our misdeeds by undoing them with good deeds. This can be organized institutionally or by creating our own rituals.
Helpful suggestions for feeling shameful or guilty.
- Understand it's source. We must be able to figure out if our shame is appropriate. Are we feeling guilty for no reason? Are we feeling a discordant amount of shame? Is it self or institutional? Is it possibly something much more?
- Acceptance is the only antidote. If we feel bad about a poor food choice, we just have to accept what we did and do better. If we are shameful for how we treated others, we must humbly ask others to forgive us and accept us again. If we have violated a rule of an institution of which we want to be a part, then we must go through its process of re-acceptance. If we feel shame in the face of our belief in God, we need to appropriate our belief that He cares and is willing to accept us again. (This takes many forms)
- Get on with living.
Shame vaporizes in light of acceptance. If it remains, then we may be recreating it because it can conveniently keep us stuck, unmotivated and fearful. At some point we must live in such a way that we learn from our mistakes but we don't take them with us, nor let them keep us from our dreams. If we don't we dishonor the acceptance we've been given. It may be that we prefer shame to the fear of success.
Have a great week.
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keven winder
REPOTconnect, ltd
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